The murmur of the engine could be felt through my entire body as I sat on the sundeck of the Nanaimo Island ferry.  The ocean view was beautiful as the boat made its way through the waters off the coast of British Columbia, Canada.  I had just finished a personal weekend away at a Benedictine retreat center where I spent a lot of time before the tabernacle.  Now with a good book in hand it didn't matter so much that the ship was running on one engine and would take an extra hour to get home. 

 

The simple story of Mother Teresa filled my heart with the idea to give myself to Christ. I could remember watching a movie about her when I was twelve. Now some 13 years later the same desire to give myself to something bigger stirred within me.  Was it just a feeling?  With the sun on my face and peace in my heart the question didn't seem odd.  After the weekend retreat I felt I had the strength to do whatever God asked.  Little did I realize what awaited me at home.

 

Eager to share my experience with my boyfriend, he met me at my parents place.  Everything seemed to be normal but as we sat on the couch talking, my world changed in an instant.  The living room seemed to disappear before me as the words that he spoke echoed in my ears.

 

Lisa, he said, "I think God is calling me to the seminary. He wants me to discern my vocation."

 

With my eyes on him, but my mind far away, I remembered the night he and I began to date.  We had gone to a play and after it had ended we sat holding hands for the first time. We felt it was God's will for us to pursue our relationship but before leaving that night we prayed that if we realized it was not God's will for us to be together we would accept it. That moment flashed before me. I didn't know if I could accept it.

 

Taking him gently by the hand and looking into his eyes I replied, "Remember what we told Christ?  Now He is giving us the chance to show Him that He really is first in our lives. When would you have to leave?" I sensed a slight hesitation before he spoke.

 

"It starts at the beginning of September."  That was only three weeks away. What was one to think in a time like this?  It didn't seem to make sense. Just a month ago we were shopping for engagement rings and now I was faced with the decision to let go and let God have the first chance.  As God's grace overflowed, I was able to let go of the one person I thought I was to love most in this world.

 

As he left that evening I knew that this was an ending, and yet, somehow a beginning.  It would be a time for me to figure out my own life to give more of myself to Christ just as I had felt on the ferry ride home.  Now I just needed to figure out how.

 

The next seven months seemed to go by so quickly and yet they were filled with some of the deepest struggles I had ever had.  Only a few short months after David left I felt like I was waiting for God to show me what I was supposed to do. Before me opened up a path that I had never imagined. The thought struck me, "What if I have a vocation?"

 

Immediately questions filled my mind. Why me? Why not me?  But what about my family? How could I possibly leave? Could God actually be calling me to consecrate my life to Him? Didn't God know I had wanted to get married since I was thirteen?  The fact was that the questions were there and they needed to be answered.  I decided to join a discernment program with the consecrated women of Regnum Christi in June, a short 3 months away.

 

My decision didn't abate the churning emotions or the perpetual knot in my stomach.   One evening in May, trying to subdue the knot, my sister-in-law invited me to her house for a girls' night out. Within ten minutes of being there, the conversations turned to boyfriends, the cost of dates, and flowers. It was more than I could handle so with all the cheerfulness I could muster I excused myself with the justification of being too tired.

 

I got into my car, not knowing where to go.  Feeling sorry for myself, I decided to complain to the One responsible for all this. "WHY ME?", I cried aloud to God. Out of all those you could call, why would you want to choose me? I will never go on a date again!  But a gentleness settled into my heart and I heard Christ answer back, "Why not?  Come."  I wiped away the tears knowing that Christ was inviting me to the nearby adoration chapel.

 

I started the car and made my way to it. As I entered, and knelt down only two feet away from the Blessed Sacrament my heart filled with calm and I told Him all my hopes, fears, dreams, and expectations.  He listened to me and was able to understand me perfectly.  Even if I could not understand what was going on, He did.  After an hour had passed I left for home filled with a joy that the world could not give.  Only Jesus could change such a difficult day into one of the most beautiful days of my life. He wanted me to be His.

 

The summer discernment program only confirmed what I had first felt in my heart many years before.  I was called to something greater than I could have imagined.  As I stood outside the large Church waiting for the consecration ceremony I thought, "Was there a moment that I said 'Yes'?"  It seemed more like it was something I had always known but I didn't want to admit.  God made my heart for Him and it couldn't be filled by just one man he made it to love all. Today I was not letting go of the desire to be married but letting Christ fulfill me more perfectly then I ever could have expected. 

 

 

 

 

 

When asked why she chose the consecrated life in Regnum Christi she responded Why did I choose consecrated life in Regnum Christi? That is a difficult question to answer. It is like asking someone why he or she married his or her husband. Its because you just know deep inside that this is it. What struck me most after meeting the consecrated is their charity and joy. There was something so genuine and deep in their happiness that I thought thats how I want to be. Also seeing how much they loved Jesus Christ and their willingness to give all of themselves to bring others to know Him inspired me to follow Gods call. So in the end the rest I chose Regnum Christi is because God chose me. It is what He made me for. He asked I said Yes and consecrated my life to Him in the summer of 2004.

Currently I am finishing my studies at Mater Ecclesiae College (a college for Consecrated Women) before heading to full time apostolic work for the Church. After I finish philosophy and humanities and move on to theology and complete Pastoral studies I will go wherever God needs most. For I know the plans I have for you -Timothy

Lisa Dwan is in her third year of consecrated life, currently studying at Mater Ecclesiae College in Greenville Rhode Island and can be reached at mec04@inteducators.org.