I was just coming in the door after finishing my three to eleven shift at the hospital when the phone rang. It was my dad, which was very unusual. He usually let Mom call, and besides, it was 12:00 midnight.

       Michelle, Moms in the hospital.

       What happened? Whats wrong?

       Im at the hospital. She just finished her tests and will have to have surgery in the morning. They think it might be an ectopic pregnancy or cancer.

 

      I hung up the phone and sat down on the couch, my eyes fixed on the little statue of Mary I kept on the desk. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears. It was a feeling that was both old and new. Old because, my family had known a lot of sickness; new, because this time it was my own mother. Ten hours later the doctors confirmed the cancer diagnosis. The following morning I gassed up the car and headed out to Iowa to see her.

 

      When I see my mother again in heaven the first thing I will tell her is Thank you.  Its true that God gives each person a vocation from the moment of their creation, but I never could have discovered mine if it werent for my mom. Rather, if it werent for my moms. I guess I wont really know until I see Our Lady face-to-face how instrumental she was in bringing me to her Son.

 

YOU REALLY OUGHT TO GIVE IOWA A TRY

 

       Oh, kids. Isnt this great? Or does it make you want to go to school and learn something so you dont have to spend your life on a farm? said Dad, winking at us over his shoulder as he stuffed another sack of weeds into the truck.

 

       My brother and sisters and I rolled our eyes at each other, but kept working. There were still acres to go. The sun baked the back of my neck and cooked my feet in my Nikes. As we walked through the rows of soybeans, we had to pull the weeds out from between the young plants. It was hard work and we kids hated it; nonetheless, there are times when I would give anything to have those long summer days back. Life in our Iowa hometown was simple. It was beautiful. But even as a girl, I knew I wasnt going to stay there forever.

 

      My Catholic school days at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel grade school and Kuemper Catholic High School came to a close. When we were graduating, we started to joke about what we were going to do.

       If I dont get married by the time Im thirty, I joked, I swear Ill become a nun.

      

      As if. I had other plans.

     

      My big dreams and I moved to the University of South Dakota to study Laboratory Science. South Dakota and Iowa werent opposite worlds, but the minor culture change of being away from my family and living immersed in a public college did me good. I developed my independence, my self-confidence (Id always been shy) and strengthened my Catholic convictions.

 

SAME CORN, NEW STATE

 

      I studied, I graduated and I found myself as a medical technologist in Omaha, Nebraska. Life as a young career woman seemed ideal, at least for a start. When Mom got sick, however, the order of importance I gave to things quickly fell into place. Every three weeks, she came to the city for chemotherapy. During my visits with her in the hospital, I did everything to be lighthearted and to make her laugh, especially at her own situation. I figured it was the best way to handle things, both for her sake and for mine. Things were far beyond our control. We both knew it. Whether she got better or worse did not depend on us, and there was very little we could do about it. I was scared. I wanted reassurance, a definite answer. The only consolation anyone could offer was to remind me that we were in Gods hands. But for me that was an uncomfortable, frustrating and frightening place to be.

 

 BIRDS OF A FEATHER

 

      Looking around for a parish to call my own, I was directed to St. Leos because it had good music and a softball team. It also had a prayer group that rekindled the Bible study atmosphere I had back at college. Over the Gospel, grape soda and potato chips I met my soon-to-be-best friend and roommate Laura. All it took was a few games of darts and a Marian conference for her and me to click. She had grown up in Montana and was working in Omaha at a kindergarten for deaf children. I admired her big heart and I loved her humor and realistic approach to life.

 

      Had I not met her, I know that I never would have grown like I did in the knowledge and love of my faith. On weekends and in the evenings, we spent time praying in front of abortion clinics or going to hear Catholic speakers. We longed for something more in our lives, for a way to give to others, in short, for holiness, but where could we find it?

 

      Growing up Catholic I was familiar with Our Lady, but I cant say that prior to this point in my life I had had a strong devotion to her. Nonetheless, I began to pray the rosary every day. My trust in Mary grew, as did an awareness that she was helping me at every moment. I knew that she was the one who was leading me to Christ and the sacraments. I could feel her motherly care for me.

 

      The topic of vocation did come up between Laura and me. It was not uncommon for people, upon meeting two young women whose home was practically wallpapered with religious images, who prayed the Divine Office, and who read papal encyclicals together, to ask us: Have you ever thought ? I would smile and laugh self-assuredly, but would never answer. Of course I had thought, and was thinking. Having a vocation made me nervous. I wanted to be married and have a family. I wanted to be like my mother. I was doing everything I could think of to live as a faithful Catholic. Wasnt God pleased enough with that? The faster thirty approached, I tried to forget about the joke I used to make when I was seventeen. That was just a joke. Right?

      

A TIME TO PART

 

      Alone in the hospital chapel, I buried my face in my hands and wept. Over and over I repeated the Our Father until I could say, Your will be done.

 

      God doesnt want evil things to happen and he doesnt take pleasure in human suffering. But in our walk through this valley of tears, pain is unavoidable. Gods love and power arent for the removing of suffering, but for bringing immeasurable good out of it. Mom was dying. Although we were scattered about the country, all of my siblings made it home in time to say goodbye.

 

      As the oldest daughter, I had always confided in Mom and had been close to her.  But I had never told her that I was thinking of a vocation it was too personal, and I still wasnt sure about it.  Now, as she lay silently on the hospital bed, I reached over, grabbed her hand and pressed it to my face.

       Mom, the tears almost choked me. When you get to Heaven, you have to help me know what my vocation is. I dont know what God wants me to do.

      

      Mustering her last ounces of strength she looked at me. I felt her love so strongly in that moment. She was exhausted. Not just from a three-year battle with cancer, but from a lifetime of spending herself completely, serving her husband and children continuously and loving limitlessly. She said nothing, but I understood everything. She would pray for me; she would always take care of me.

 

      The following day, Mom passed away. All any of us could say to her in her last moments were: Thank you; I love you.

 

      I am certain that she remembered what I had asked her before she died, for in the months following, I began to see my vocation more and more clearly. Now I had two mothers in heaven to help me follow wherever he would lead me.

       

REGNUM CHRISTI ENTERS THE PICTURE

 

      Laura and I walked through the crowd to look at the booths at another Marian conference.

       Michelle, remember that group of priests we read about in the magazine last week?

       Which? The Legion of Christ? I asked.

       Yes, they said theres something for women. Not nuns, but consecrated, or something like that. Theyve got a table here.

        

      She zigzagged her way between people, stands, and strollers to find the booth. Two consecrated women stood behind a table covered with pictures of the Pope and pamphlets advertising Regnum Christi. From the moment they said Hi, Laura was absorbed, asking questions, and talking with them. I didnt pay much attention.

       Michelle, imagine, we can give two years of our life as volunteers! How about that?

       Hmm Thats interesting, came my distracted reply. I left Laura there and went over to another table full of books about Marian apparitions, surreptitiously glancing at Laura who was in deep conversation with these new discoveries.  Was I interested?

       Lord, Im too much of a homebody, I thought. Who would want to leave their home for two years?

 

      Weeks passed by and nothing became of our brush with Regnum Christi. We both forgot about it all together, until one day an invitation to Spiritual Exercises given by a Legionary priest arrived in the mail.

 

VOCATIONAL WATERS START STIRRING

 

       Have you ever thought of a vocation?

 

      It was a Saturday night, two days into the spiritual exercises, and I was sitting across the desk in front of the priest. I had gone to him in need of some serious spiritual direction. He cut straight to the chase and his question was so direct that I felt like crawling under the desk out of embarrassment.

       Well not really, Father. I just want to be a faithful Catholic and get married.

      

      Oh sure, Michelle. Who was I fooling? Father left the question there for me to pray over in the retreat.

 

      Shortly after the spiritual exercises had ended, Laura and I bought round trip tickets for a Holy Week retreat to be held in Rhode Island. I was not sold on the idea. It was almost a duty of conscience. Laura was the opposite. She had given our address to the consecrated women and told them that wed love to have them visit if they were in the area. I always considered the consecrated as Lauras visitors but I liked their company. There was a lot that we had in common. Wed talk about the Church, the world and soon I discovered that I liked them. Trying to appear indifferent, I would look at them seated on the couch, and try to imagine myself as one of them.

 

YES, I HAVE INKLING

 

      The Holy Week retreat at the Formation Center changed my perspective on consecrated life completely. During times of prayer, I could not muffle a voice inside of me that said: Michelle, this might be for you.

 

      The last talk of the evening confirmed my conviction, when one of the consecrated women said:

       If you have ever even had inkling that you might have a vocation, you owe it to yourself and to God to find out.

      

      I had an inkling and it was impossible to continue ignoring it. I had to be faithful to what I knew Christ was saying to me in my heart. I would return to the candidacy program in July to find out. 

 

MICHELLE, MICHELLE, YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT MANY THINGS

 

      Laura and I sat cross-legged on the living room floor sorting out the profits from the afternoons garage sale.

       Dont you have this sense of freedom? I feel like St. Francis of Assisi!  Lauras vocational joy annoyed me. Sense of freedom? What sense did any of what I was about to do make? I was going for a two-month vocational discernment program on the other side of the country. I had resigned from my job the week before. I was now selling everything I owned. And I was going to wear a skirt all summer (a thought that made my family laugh. We all seemed to have been born wearing Levis). Answering Gods call in my conscience was beyond any sensible reasoning I could come up with. 

 

      Laura and I were together a lot during the candidacy, but we never spoke about our discernment. We didnt want to influence the others decision. Just because one of us might stay or go, we didnt want to make the other feel that she, being the best friend, had to do the same. We gave each other the silent, spiritual support to be generous with whatever Christ would ask.

 

      Naturally I went through moments of doubt, insecurity and temptation before the big step. I asked myself what had happened to my dreams of marriage and family. I wondered if I would really be happy, if the call I felt were real or if it were just my imagination. No one ever looked me in the eye and said, Michelle, you have a vocation. God wants you to be consecrated. Yet even though I couldnt quite explain why, I felt secure. Inside my heart was the certainty that Christ, who had brought me thus far, would not deceive me, let me down, or leave me hanging out to dry.

 

      It was July 29, the feast of St. Martha. I knelt in prayer before the Eucharist. Two things kept going through my mind: the first was something I heard from one of the consecrated. She had said:

      No man could ever fill a heart that was made for Christ alone. Was that why in all the men I had dated, Id known none was meant for me?

      The second idea I couldnt shake was a story one of the priests told us during the candidacy. When he was visiting the novitiate still trying to figure out if the priesthood was for him, the superior told him: This is the third time youve been here; who are you kidding? For me that was a wake-up call to face facts.  This was the third time I had been to the Formation Center.  What was I waiting for? 

 

      I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed.

       God, give me strength. Help me to see your will. Help me to say yes to whatever you ask of me.

      I listened in silence; my prayer was answered. Christ was calling me; it was clear, and the power of it flooded my soul like a wave.

 

      Not until after Laura and I had boarded the plane to go visit our families before beginning spiritual exercises did I find out that she too had made her decision on St. Marthas feast day. It was one of those divine coincidences. Should it have been so surprising? Hadnt God been letting us be instruments of his grace for each other for the past seven years? Why should he stop now?

 

      Moms, as I said before, play a big role in every vocation. I thank God for mine and I trust that just as they helped me to see and to accept my vocation, they will help me to be faithful to it every day for the rest of my life.