First question: are you sure? 

a true fairytale 

Just a few days ago as I am writing this, a young girl spoke to me. She wanted to consecrate her life to God. Her mother understood and was delighted; the girl, let's call her Joan, was anxious to take the step; but the big problem was Daddy. When she had brought up the subject before, there had been major problems (He has this attitude...): no way was he going to let his daughter go anywhere, at her age, and especially if the "where" had anything religious about it. He respected his wife's decision to do religion with the kids on Sunday morning, but that was it.  

But that wasn't it. You make room for Christ on a Sunday morning, and then you begin to make room for him in some prayers between the Sundays, and then you start trying to please him in what you do, and you go to ask his forgiveness when you let him down, and his help to do what he wants you to do better, and pretty soon there is something really going on between the two of you. That is how vocations often start and develop.  

So she had a problem. And her Dad had one too. He had let her open the door to Christ a little, and she kept opening it wider, and now Christ was taking over. She was delighted. Dad was alarmed. She had asked him before and had just asked him again, and no way was he going to let her. Now she wasn't going to be able to do what would make her the happiest person on earth.  

I knew I had to tell her to be patient. But that doesn't sit well with a sixteen-year-old. Instead of short-term answers (such as, let's forget about the vocation or, run away from home to follow it) we looked for a longer term plan - not by doubting her vocation (all the right signs were there), but by working towards it in a way that respected the obedience she still owed her father because of her age. 

After our conversation, which wasn't too long, Joan went off home and I said a prayer that her vocation would in the long run be strengthened by this difficulty. The next day I got the surprise. When she walked in the door of her home the evening before, she had been asked the last question she ever expected to hear from her Dad... Well, when are you going?  

It's not fair that others have it so easy, is it? 

But there is a lesson to be learned. Are you sure they won't let you? Have you tried enough? If you feel a vocation, get advice from someone you can trust, then start working towards it, no matter what the initial difficulties are. When God calls, it all works out for the better.  

who is "family?"  

When there is family opposition to your vocation, the first and crucial question you should consider is: who is it that is opposed to it? 

If it is your parents or one of them, then we will make some considerations further on that should help.  

big brothers 

But sometimes (often, in my experience) the most severe and bitter opposition comes not from parents but from brothers and sisters, especially the older ones. 

At times they may be genuinely concerned, and that is touching. But occasionally when there is opposition it is because you are getting on their conscience's nerves. You are affirming priorities they would rather not think about; unwittingly you are challenging their lifestyle or choices, and you had better be wrong or stupid, because if you are not then they might be. But what are you to do? If they are genuinely fervent and practicing Catholics you can give what they say some thought. If they are not, then, basically - there must be a nice way of saying this - you have to tell them to solve their own problems before you let them have a say in fixing yours. 

Don't forget either, that older brothers and especially sisters have a tendency to think of you as the perpetual baby. Don't act their mistake out. It is your life, and they cannot expect you to allow them to make your decisions for you, or take your parents' place.  

parents and age 

Then you have to consider your age. If you are still in high school or under legal age, then your parents or guardians have responsibilities over you that you cannot simply discount, and you have corresponding duties towards them. That is a fact. You can beg, weep, plead and insist, but if the last answer is "NO" there is nothing else to be done for the time being. Rather, it tells you what has to be done for the time being. You have to obey. You do not have to forget about your vocation. Just the time-frame changes a little. 

But make your choices according to your vocation. Choose your friends and activities in accordance with it, go to Mass and confession in accordance with it, do some apostolic work in accordance with it, make your options as regards TV and reading in accordance with it. All of this is tremendously maturing for you.  

When eventually, you do get to the seminary or formation house and find everything there helpful towards your vocation, it will be reassuring for you to know that you are not just a creature of the environment (good when the surroundings are good, woeful when they are not) but that you have some principles that you have been practicing with which you can build on.  

But then you might be older, doing college, or even finishing it, and still find that your folks are dead set against your vocation. Then it is time to take some of the hard sayings of the Gospel seriously. These are the ones we tend to skim over with a vague inkling that he could not have meant exactly what he seems to say, but without being able to figure out why, in that case he did, after all, say them. And hence we skim, if you love your...more than...  

our behavior 

Let us rule out the obvious: you don't have to say to your parents, I want to love Christ, so I am afraid I am going to have to hate you from now on. As a matter of fact, St. John says that if we do not love the people we see, we cannot love God whom we can't see; if we say we love God and hate our fellow man we are liars. That must apply to our attitude towards our parents too.  

The hinge of the matter is in the word "more." We cannot love anyone, even our closest relatives (if you marry, even your spouse), more than Christ if our love for him is going to be genuine and worthwhile. You cannot hate your parents any more than you can hate anyone else - leave that kind of foot-stomping rage for a kid going through adolescence. You are beyond that. You are in college. You want to follow your vocation. But your parents are opposed to it. And you want to know what to do.  

steps to take 

Firstly: do not walk away from the vocation just because it is not easy and is forcing some hard choices on you. Do not let anything come before Christ, and then deal with the situation.  

Secondly: try to get to the bottom of their problem, although it may not always be possible. Why their opposition, why their fear?  

· Do they object not so much to you giving yourself to God, but to the manner in which you do so (they don't want you to be a contemplative because they don't understand the vocation...they want you closer to home...they just want grandkids...). 

· Are their instincts telling them something important about you that you do not see, and that might be a sign you don't really have a vocation?  

· Are they simply testing your resolve? 

· Are they worried and would prefer you succeed as a layman than fail as a priest?  

· Are they sensitive to spiritual things or not? You may not always be able to speak to them about it, but you might be able to speak to someone they have unburdened themselves with. A helpful question to ask yourself in this case sometimes is: what would change if I told them I am going to get married and have accepted a job overseas? 

Thirdly: pray. When we hear this advice, to pray, what usually comes to mind is prayer to God for him to change the situation and solve the problem. But there is more to prayer than that. 

We usually think of prayer as asking - but it is also offering, adoring, accepting, interceding, praising. Prayer is to raise up our minds and hearts to God to know his will, to praise him for his benefits, to ask him for his grace, to look at Christ and grow in his love. Prayer is one of the means we have to transform ourselves from the weak, self-centered people we are into the type of people Christ is looking for (remember the beatitudes, the parable of the Good Samaritan). 

So when we talk about praying in the situation you are now in (you are of legal age, with your parents dead set against your vocation and not seeming to take into consideration your age and decision) we are talking about thanking God for all the good things he has given you through your parents and for the trial you are going through, we are talking about asking him to purify your soul and make it strong, about offering up to him the sacrifice of not being accepted or respected, about asking him to help you never to waver in seeking what he wants, and about praying for your parents.  

And how about asking him to change my parents' mind? Do that too, but don't miss the wonderful opportunity you have by limiting your prayer to just that.  

Fourthly, you also need to consider your family's needs: do your parents need your support? If they do, if you are the only one they have to turn to and they are in need and will definitely need your support in the future, that is most probably where your immediate duty lies. This would in all probability rule out religious life, but depending on the particular circumstances it might not rule out a diocesan vocation. You will have to inquire. 

spiritual advisor  

You would do well also to speak to a spiritual advisor you trust. He will help you distinguish fact from fiction in your vocational search, and will be the second pair of eyes that will see with a little more objectivity. His insights will be enlightening, and especially he will be able to help you discover if your motives are correct. He may also be helpful in explaining things to your parents and calming some of their fears. And he will be able to give advice tailored to your particular situation.  

decide 

Then, finally, you will have to come to a decision. You will never go wrong if you put God in first place. It may be painful doing what you know is not understood at the moment, but if you do it to follow what God seems to be asking from you, you can do so with great hope for the future, with the absolute conviction that it is the best thing for them too. 

Their acceptance may be rapid, or it may be terribly slow. Pray for them fervently. I know one priest whose mother said to me the day he was ordained a deacon, "Now I have finally been able to accept my son's vocation." The joy that she has now as her son celebrates Mass and she hears about the good he is doing, would never have been hers if he had not told her one day, in love and respect, that God was calling and it was best for both him and her that he answer YES.