Seven months into my missionary year as a Regnum Christi coworker for the Church, I had successfully convinced myself that God hadn't called me to a vocation in the Church. This was quite a contrast to the first day several months before when I sat down with my new spiritual guide for the year and told her, I have a vocation. I am only here because my parents wanted me to give a year as a coworker first, before consecrating my life to God forever. My certainty of a vocation was the fruit of a major conversion that had taken place over the summer. My doubts were my own. 

I was a typical California girl, a hopeless romantic who lived from summer to summer, prom to prom, one Gilmore Girls episode to the next, unconsciously certain that the world revolved around me. Since leaving home, it had been nothing less than a roller coaster ride of knowing I had a vocation and then denying it, saying yes and then no, and although I now pretended to be at peace, I was restless and utterly confused. The bottom line was that I was afraid of losing my life, everything from my jeans to my boyfriend to the possibility of making my own plans.  I struggled to let go and give it all.

Overbrook Academy, an international Catholic boarding school for young girls, became my home and mission for the year. God signed me up for Love 101. For the first time in my life I understand what happiness really was; to give myself, day in and day out, expecting nothing in return. As Lent began, it had been two months since I decided not to think about a vocation anymore. My daily responsibilities with the girls I was assigned to, work with, and oversee that year (and had really grown to love), were a perfect distraction; but even still I could not escape those few moments of silence. In all sincerity, I was beginning to realize that I had backed myself into a corner. If God hadn't called me, I was not in any way open to or making myself ready to hear Him anymore. If He had called me, He wasnt going to call me in a way I could hear Him again. I cried out for help and in no time at all, He rescued me.

I walked into a dark, chilled theater not knowing what to expect but somehow feeling I would not leave the same; that I couldn't. As I was getting the girls situated, one of my fellow co-workers grabbed my arm and practically dragged me through the row of plaid-skirted knees to the opposite side of the theater. Before I had a chance to object or pull away, I found myself in front of the one person I had hoped to avoid; the consecrated woman who, as a faithful instrument, had guided me in the discovery of my vocation that previous summer; the one who had no clue I was now having second thoughts.

Courtney! How are you? Are you ready for the summer? It will be here before you know it. I knew she was referring to the candidacy, the discernment program of the Regnum Christi consecrated. But summer in my mind was now an image of the adventure of the future possibilities at home; Hawaii, and then packing for college. I took my eyes away from her searching gaze, frantically racking my imagination for a way out that would have some semblance of truth.

Uh, yah. Im ready. It was true. I was ready for my idea of summer, in fact looking forward to it. I looked back and braced myself as I was sure my tone and apparent restlessness revealed my insincerity. Her questioning look confirmed my fear.

Courtney, you couldn't possibly be trying to pretend that what happened last summer wasn't real, could you? I saw in her eyes what the rich young man must have seen when Christ looked at him, knew him, and loved him so much that he told him the cost, and in love, left him free to walk away. You will be tested, but you are stronger than that. Don't doubt God and what you saw so clearly. I am praying for you.

With that, the lights dimmed for The Passion of the Christ to begin. Perfect timing. I returned to my seat and reminded myself to breathe. As Christ first appeared on the screen in the garden of Gethsemane, one particular moment played back in my mind. It had been exactly one week before, during my monthly retreat. I was before Christ, exposed in the Blessed Sacrament, reading and reflecting on the Gospel passage of the Samaritan woman. A vocation was the farthest thing from my mind, as it had been for months. I was very systematically avoiding the topic until I heard his voice in my heart; If you knew the gift of God, and who it was that was asking for your life, you would ask him, and he has already given it to you. I heard it clearly but without understanding exactly what he was trying to say to me or what I was supposed to do about it. I had left him that day without a response.

As I watched The Passion, I saw him give his life for me, shedding every last drop of blood for me, and now I understood what he meant. It was him. He was the one who was asking me for my life. How could I say no? Finally, in that moment, I stopped looking at what was being asked and allowed myself to see who was asking it of me. Like Simon of Cyrene, who at first bore the cross with bitter resentment and then carried it with love, I felt I too needed Him to conquer my heart. As He did, I found the strength to let myself be conquered and embraced Christ on the cross with love. I promised to doubt never again what I knew, so clearly, to be true.

My original intuition turned out to be right. I could not and did not leave that theater the same. For months I had been blinded by fear, so focused on all the things I was leaving behind. I was completely crippled in my utter rebellion before all the demands that I thought a vocation would entail. But as I contemplated Christ hanging on the cross for love of me, I could not but surrender myself to him. Like Simon, I walked into that theater scared of the cross, the cross I did not want to bear but weighed me down. Yet Christ conquered my heart. I walked out a girl in love.

Courtney Boore is now studying for a B.A. in religious and pastoral studies at Mater Ecclesiae College and heads a team consecrated members in the promotion of consecrated life and apostolic work as well as travels to Canada working with youth clubs. She can be reached at mec04@inteducators.org.