(Luke 14:25-27 Matthew 10:37-40) 

These are some of those words that we often wish Christ had not said.  

Whenever we read them we almost wait to see if our Lord will have second thoughts and hurriedly backtrack, apologizing and saying that it is just a figure of speech, or that he just got carried away on the tide of his own passionate rhetoric. At times we might find ourselves embarrassed to read them in public, and simply mutter in our hearts, This is a hard saying.  

But when we dare to look up at Christ, we do not find him embarrassed at what he has let slip out, nor do we find him rushing to take his words back, or to rephrase and water them down.  

He just looks at us and says, "Because of this, will you also go away?" (cfr. John 6) 

Let us read the actual words of the gospel: 

Now great multitudes accompanied him; and he turned and said to them, "If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:25-27)  

The first thing we notice here is that Jesus is not speaking in private, in one of those many closed sessions he often had alone with his twelve apostles. He is addressing the great multitudes. And further, the specific reference to family members seems unprovoked in the context. It is not as if someone has just said to him, I will follow you if my family will only let me, to which he answers by putting the family in its place - much in the same way as he declared the hindrance of riches when the rich young man turned away from him in sadness because he was not willing to give up his possessions (cfr Luke 18:18-25).  

So here, he is not specifically addressing an isolated instance of overcoming the opposition of parents and siblings. Jesus is laying down a general principle, valid for all times and circumstances, and not only for when there is opposition. He is not saying: If family members are a problem then you have to put them in second place. He is saying: If right off the bat you do not put your blood relationships in second place you are simply not worthy of me.  

He even goes further than that to say something that affects us even more directly and personally (and perhaps will make your family feel a little better about the place you are assigning them): If you do not put yourself, your own life, in a lower place than me you are not worthy of me: if you do not take up your cross daily and follow me you are not worthy of me.  

In other words, Christ is establishing a principle and a pattern: we are only worthy of him when he is everything to us, and when we embrace his cross. 

Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's foes will be those of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who finds his life will lose it , and he who loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:34-39) 

Many people find this passage scandalous and confusing. Isn't Christ the Prince of Peace? Didn't the angels announce and sing Peace on Earth at his birth? So how come this contradiction? Doesn't he want us to be happy? Isn't Christian living a thing of joy, of resurrection? Then how come these dire predictions? 

To have some chance of understanding what Christ says here we have to go back to the core of his message in the Beatitudes. 

In the Beatitudes (you'll find them in Matthew 5:1-12) we have Christ's formula for happiness, and reading them leaves us in no doubt that his way of thinking is very different from the world's. The world says we have to have things, be on top, be filled, have it easy if we are to be happy. Christ speaks about poverty and persecution as the keys to happiness.  

Obviously he approaches things differently than the world, and that is the case too, when he speaks here about peace and war.  

In the passage we have quoted, Christ is speaking about the real consequences that would take place when people started to follow him. He is telling us that there is a true peace and there is a false peace. The true peace is to be found in him and in paying the price necessary to possess him; the false peace is when we put him aside in order to have peaceful coexistence with our families and fellow men.  

So in this passage Christ not only repeats what is said in the one from Luke - that we cannot have him if we put something else in first place, he also tells us that in doing that consistently we are going to have a certain amount of problems with those around us who don't take kindly to our choices.  

But in our fidelity to him we will find our peace. 

Christ's own experience 

A person convinces us more by what he does than by what he says, so it is helpful to see how Christ behaved in this regard.  

Reading the gospel carefully you can see that he did not have an easy time with all his relatives. We know that at one point they were convinced he had lost it and they went out looking for him to bring him home. They must have felt quite embarrassed with his behavior to be driven to such measures.  

They of course had the disadvantage of only having known the human side of Jesus all those years up to then, and they couldn't accept that he was anything else. They were probably acting in the best of faith, thinking they were doing what was best for him, saving him from himself. It does not seem the same case as the leaders of the people who later wanted him removed because they feared the Romans would come and take away their privileges.  

At the same time we know that the all-important relative, Mary, did not have any part in this. Her way was always to respect the mystery of her Son, to keep the things she did not understand in her heart.  

So we can rightly conclude that there was division in the family, and perhaps of the more lively quality. You can imagine what the others must have said against her to justify their going over her head and trying to apprehend him. And we also know that James, "the brother of the Lord," did follow him later at some stage. That, too, must have caused a stir in the extended family (he was a cousin) and perhaps even further divisions. 

So Christ knows it by experience and, as always, we find that he has already walked the road ahead of us before asking us to follow. 

contradictions?  

And he said to them, "You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God, in order to keep your tradition! For Moses said, 'Honor your father and your mother'; and 'He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him surely die'; but you say, 'If a man tells his father or his mother, What you would have gained from me is Corban' (that is, given to God), then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God through your tradition which you hand on. And many such things you do." (Mark 7:9-13) 

The striking thing here is that it is the same Jesus speaking who said that if we do not hate father and mother then we are not worthy of him.  

The first thing to note is that he is talking about those who use religion or religious duties as a means to shirk responsibilities. It was not that they had renounced the use of their possessions and taken upon themselves a life of poverty. Perhaps we can't quite say they were having their cake and eating it too, but certainly we can say that the cake they were meant to share they were keeping all for themselves, all the while putting on a show of service to God. It was a fine excuse and must have seemed like an all-round winner, but Jesus cuts right through it. The gurus of his day must have found his habit of calling a spade a spade extremely distressing.  

The second thing to note is that in the other passages we have looked at in this chapter (and in the phrase, let the dead bury the dead, but you come follow me) he is speaking to those who use human allegiance to shirk responsibilities of a different order.  

a question of priorities 

The Church has always recognized that if a person is the only means of support for his parents, it is a sign he is not called to religious life.  

Not all cases are so clear. At times you might question what exactly support means, what type of lifestyle is involved, what are your obligations as regards their debts, etc. At times there is the question of brothers and sisters who are neglecting their part of the responsibility. Even they will find conflicting duties (should they cut corners on their children's education in order to help their parents out?...). In such situations you have to seek the counsel of someone you can trust, make your decision either way, and then not look back.  

different vocations 

If you have very concrete duties towards your parents that arise out of situations beyond your or their control, yet which do not seem to conflict totally with a vocation, you should keep in mind that there are various types of vocations with varying characteristics. The diocesan priesthood allows a physical closeness to your parents that a missionary vocation couldn't, for example. But you have to be very careful and honest with yourself when taking this line of thought, because we can very easily use it to modify rather than discover the call that God is making to us. You have to make sure that there is a real, objective need and not (here's the tough part) just that they find it hard to accept your vocation.