www.vocation.com - Is this a fear? Or a vocation?

	Lauren Ann asks: Currently, I am 20 years old and a sophomore in college. I have felt a stirring to religious life for a year now. In my search, I have gotten a vocations director and have visited several orders. I do feel a stronger calling towards one order than the others, but have not decided on a vocation. It is curious, because when I am dating someone I feel a strong call to religious life (the more I like the guy the more I want to be a nun) and when I am single, I feel a call to marriage. I continue to take this to prayer. About discernment...I am currently torn...I'm dating this incredible, holy, Catholic, man, and I want to keep seeing him. I am discouraged though when I go through periods of feeling like religious life is God's plan for me...then a period of confusion...then a period of feeling called to married life. We've been dating for 4 months and these periods have repeated themselves twice. I feel bad taking him on these emotional rides. He's an incredible guy and I love his spirit and his heart. We have talked several times about vocations and he has given me permission and all the freedom that I need to do wherever God is calling me to. He wants me to do God's will and for me to be happy. He has also said that he is proud to be a part of my discernment even if I am called to religious life. I know that we are growing closer and closer to each other and that the longer we are together, the harder it will be to separate if that is God's will. I worry that I will hurt him in this process. I care very much for him, and I do not know where God is leading us. I am doing my best to trust as my heart is scared to fall in love again...it is still hurting from an old relationship and I know God is using my current boyfriend to help in the healing...but I am worried. I do not want to be selfish in this relationship and pretend like my feelings are the only ones on the line. I know they are not. In a way, I feel like I'm waiting for God to "pull the plug" and I feel this is not fair to him. I wonder if I am waiting for "God to 'pull the plug'" out of my own fears of loving again. Is this a fear? Or a vocation? Am I making sense? Any advice and all prayers are greatly appreciated.
	Dear Lauren Ann, I think you have to keep your feet on the ground here. You experience swings back and forward, towards a vocation when you are dating, and towards married life when you are not. At present you are dating a wonderful man and you can feel the two of you are being drawn closer. Whether you have a vocation or not there is nothing unusual in this, and you are right in saying that if you do have a vocation and decide to follow it breaking up a stronger mutual attraction is going to be more difficult on both of you. You are also healing from a past relationship and your friendship with him is helping you in this process, but you don't want to simply take advantage of him for a while for your own purposes, and in addition you detect in yourself a certain fear of loving again. This leads me to think that right now is not the time to make a definitive decision as regards your vocation; however, it is the moment to take a clear decision as regards what is most going to help you discern your vocation prudently and well. I would give some priority to getting some counseling or spiritual direction to help you put behind you whatever residue there still is as regards that past relationship of yours. That seems to be intruding on everything else. Once you perceive progress in this and your security is somewhat restored I think it would probably help both of you if you were to step back from the relationship so you can test and discern your vocation without distraction. God bless.


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