Dear Alexandra,

I am only going to attempt to give you a few guidelines that may help you, but you are the one who has to come to your conclusions as regards what God is asking of you, after seeking out advice.

Several things strike me about your message. In the first place you are interpreting everything that has happened only in terms of yourself and God, as if there were no other element at play in your decisions and feelings. It is good not to forget that we have an enemy who works against Christ and us, and he is going to try to confuse, tempt (at times towards what is wrong, at others it is enough for him that we do what is only second best), and discourage us.

The second thing I notice is your reference to freedom. That is very important. Our reply to God can only be a reply in love, and freedom is a gift God gave us so that we would be capable of love. Love is to give ourselves freely. Love makes us choose, and direct our freedom according to that choice (two people marry; by that fact they choose each other, and their choice is a commitment that directs the use they are going to make of their freedom in the future: they will choose freely everything that will strengthen their love and commitment, and they will reject anything that will weaken it and drive them apart). So the way we exercise our freedom once we have committed ourselves in love is not by feeling every day that we can turn our backs on our commitment, but in renewing it every day as if it were the first day of my commitment.

These reflections may help a little. Try to look at all God has done for you, what your possibilities are now of doing something for him, and do it out of love, whatever it is.

God bless,