Dear Steve,

Congratulations on being honest with yourself and wanting to open your life to God.

I think it is a good thing to have realized that in order to discern the priesthood you need to let your girlfriend know. However, I dont think its enough simply to let her know, since I presume that by relationship you mean that the two of you get on well together and you both feel the relationship is heading somewhere. The fact of your needing to discern about the priesthood is going to affect everything between you both.

Therefore, before you decide how you are going to tell her, you need to work out in your own mind what you will tell her.

This is the first and fundamental hurdle to cross, and to do so you are going to have to give serious thought to what it means to discern, and what it means to respect her and her freedom. I dont think it is right or good for you to ask her to put her life on hold for a year or two while you dabble a little in the thought of the priesthood without really letting go of her, wanting to feel that she will always be there for you, never burning your bridges, and for this reason I dont believe it is enough, or fair, simply to say, I want you to know I am thinking of the priesthood and leave it like that, completely up in the air.

Perhaps what has affected your discernment up to now is that it has been unconsciously somewhat self-centered you like to think about the priesthood and at the same time you like her as a friend, and you have held onto both your likes. It may have been all about you up to now. This is the first thing to work on.

To make any progress you will have to sacrifice this unconscious self-centeredness and begin to think about the priesthood in the context of Christ and the needs of souls, and about your girlfriend as a person to whom you owe honesty, and who does not exist only to make you feel good and wait on you hand and foot.

If you are going to discern the priesthood you need first of all to make up your mind that you are going to throw yourself 100% into the discernment, leaving aside all and every potential distraction, closing all the backdoors. Once you take this decision tell her so, and let her know that for that reason and because you love and respect her you are breaking off the relationship. Sound radical? Maybe, but the alternative I think is below you. You dont want to leave her in an emotional limbo telling her you may be back, not letting her get on with her life, putting her even in a spiritual conflict (should she pray for your vocation to the priesthood, which might break her heart right now? Would it be wrong to hope it doesnt work out for you?). I dont think you can tell her that thoughts of the priesthood still come to you and you cant quite make up your mind but you would like her to stick around anyway so as not to loose her in case you dont really have a vocation or dont quite ever get around to testing it. That doesnt sound like love to me.

I would go farther and say, if the above seems like too much and you are not ready for it, you still have two alternatives: either you are honest with her and tell her you have some unresolved personal decisions that may jeopardize the relationship down the road and so you think it healthier to sever it for the time being, or you can give all your energies to making the relationship work because you honestly think you are not ready for either of the other alternatives.

I hope these reflections help, Steve, and I will pray that God will enlighten you and give you strength to make the decisions you need to.

God bless.