Bo asks: I need Him.
I'm 21 years old. I'm in my 3rd year at the university and I have 2 years to go (Australian system). I am feeling the call more intensely than ever, at least, I'm almost certain it's a call. I've looked back at my spiritual life over the years, and I realize that I've been getting the call, building gradually in intensity as the years go by, since I was 12 years old.
I can't ignore it any longer. I need Him, and He wants me. But I don't know what to do about it. The retreats and everything suggested in this site work for people living in the States, but I'm in Australia. I don't know who to talk to, what to do, where to go. Maybe I should wait until I have finished my degree? That would seem like prudence, but I'm so impatient for Him. It could be a good exercise in patience to stay at uni.
The funny thing is too, that as much as I really want to do this, in spite of this incredible desire I have to serve God as a nun, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT EITHER. I'm scared. Terrified. I love Him so much, but I'm terrified. I trust Him, and yet I'm still terrified. I'm trying to offer my fear to Him in the hope that he'll transform my fear into something greater, into the courage to do His will, if indeed this is what God's will is. But I'm just completely not suited to being a nun. I'm lazy, impatient, selfish as anything, clumsy. I like material things, I procrastinate terribly, I'm indecisive, I'm overly passionate about everything. I'm too intense, I am lacking serenity, too often I am lukewarm. I have so much further to go in my spiritual life before I could survive in a convent, but surely God can mold me from the lousy piece of clay that I am now into something that can be useful for Him? I don't even know anything about any religious orders much, except the Carmellites, because I have read, and reread 'Story of a Soul,' because St Therese of Lisieux is a saint I have always held dear.
How do I find out? I'm working in youth ministry at the moment. It's voluntary, but man, it takes a lot of time! I love doing it, but lately I feel the need for more involvement in the church.
My family has a history of mistaken vocations. My grandfather was going to be a priest. With one year of study left, he married my grandmother. His daughter, who is my aunty and godmother, was going to be a nun. She left the convent before taking her vows and is the mother of five children. When I asked her why she left, it was because she felt that there were no moral absolutes in the environment. Everything was so subjective. Some nuns allowed what others wouldn't. She felt as though she would never know what was right and wrong if she stayed there.
Um, I'm just lost. I feel the call to a greater love with Him, but I have no idea what to do about it. Are you able to advise me a little please? Many thanks.
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