Dear Mary,

Denial means not accepting reality. I am going to guess at the meaning of your question, and then make a few reflections with you that I hope will give you something to go on.

Here is my guess. You know who God is and that we should really do what he asks, because thats supposed to be what is best for us. However, now it seems like he might be asking something of you that you dont find terribly appealing because there are other things you would love to do instead, things you find much more attractive. So you dont really want him to call you. Yet, when you try to act as if he werent, there is something that wont let you drop the idea. Hence the muddle.

Here are some thoughts.

One, it is not unusual for us to feel conflicting desires, or to feel a desire for one thing while knowing another, less attractive one is really what we ought to choose instead. As a matter of fact, these conflicts are only to be expected, for as persons we operate on several levels simultaneously and we are all the time making decisions in relation to them. These levels are, roughly, our senses, our intelligence and our faith. Our senses might crave for desserts and desserts alone at every meal, while our intelligence is telling us that this is not good for us (and we might even have some personal experience that confirms it), and then on top of it all our faith might be telling us that because its Advent we really should offer up some sacrifice to God. But through all of this, no matter what we know and believe, key lime pie is still key lime pie, and hot, chunky apple pie still smells the same -delicious.

We cant shut down our senses, but neither should we shut down our intelligence or faith, although we are often sorely tempted to. So, as regards our vocation in life, we are very easily attracted on the one hand to the color, variety and excitement of college life ahead, and when we compare following a vocation to that it seems dull and uninteresting. On the other hand, there can be times that we read about missionaries, or the heroes of the Church during the Reformation in England whose lives seemed so full of action and adventure, and this awakens the desire for something great for God, but it is more the color and adventure that are exercising their appeal on us.

So, a true sign of growing is when we are able to sort our way through those conflicting, internal influences, sift them and then make sound decisions that can last and stand the test of adversity. We are still immature if we usually go with the first impression and attraction, for that is always shifting and changing. The sound decisions are the ones are based on what we know to be true and right rather than the input of our senses.

So, I think it really is a good thing that when you think about what God might be calling you to, it is not some external, romanticized aspect of the vocation that sweeps you off your feet without giving your intelligence or your faith a chance to enter into action. It seems to me that if you have a call God is inviting you to go directly to the very rock it is founded on, the rock of your faith and love based on that faith.

Where is the way out of your present doldrums, where are you going to find the spark? Only by growing your faith and your love. Think about life, what it is for, how long it lasts or doesnt last, why God gave it to us. Think about this in the presence of Christ, looking at how he lived, looking at the beauty of Marys life, looking at what you owe them both. And ask God for the gift of love. Trust him, he will lead you to verdant  pastures.
 
God bless.